Part 3

Let me set the scene, a nice balmy 80 degree day, sitting by the pool with the kids, waiting for Soulmate to get home from work. Baby is playing in the dirt with some bug or other and Firstborn is sitting with me.

Firstborn: Mum, can I ask you something?

Me: (right about now, I am well aware that I probably do not want to hear this and was wishing I was on a cruise ship with a Mai-Tai in hand and a barren womb)

Sure, what is it sweetie!

Firstborn: Did you ever have premarital sex?

Me: (WTF!!!!!!) Do you even know what that is?

(God, it's hot out here, does 80 degrees really feel like this?)

Firstborn: Course I do, it's when you have sex before you are married

Me. (Now I am not sure if should be proud that she actually knows what this is or wonder how the hell does she know this? I am also hearing all those voices in my head of every damn parenting article that I have ever read. Never lie to your kids, tell them the truth when they ask, it means that they are ready to hear it. Yeah? well I don't remember this specific topic!)

Well, I don't know if you know this but dad and I got married twice. The first time was a causal affair to allow me to get a visa for the US and no one really knows about this but the second time was the big official wedding.

Firstborn: Yeah, I knew that!

Me: Well, most people thought dad and I were living together and having premarital sex but we were really married! (I am a freaking genius!)

Firstborn: Oh.

(So now I am patting myself on my back, what a great story, how smart of me, have another imaginary Mai-Tai)

Firstborn: Would you be mad if I had premarital sex?

Me: (wiping Mai-Tai of my chin and swimsuit)

Hell, yeah!!!........ Look I would hope you would talk to me first and would like to make sure that this is the man you are planning to be with the rest of your life. (Nose is growing here).

You are not thinking about it now are you? (Do I really want to know the answer?)

Firstborn: Oh my gosh no! that's disgusting!!!!!

Thank the lord! Pass me the pitcher and as I am drinking I am rehearsing my response to the future question, did you ever do drugs? Yes, but I didn't inhale seems like a good answer!