Part 4

Now, baby can get a little obsessed about things. Once he likes something he talks about it non-stop and I mean non-stop. When he was a toddler it is was Thomas the Tank engine, then we went thru Lego's, then Bakugans well right now we are back to Pokemon.

Day in and Day out baby waffles on about strategy, power points, energy and evolving of Pokemon. I also know that there are 4 energy types! He even talks in his sleep for God's sake!

Now, I am really trying hard to listen but I do sometimes Grunt a really? or a Ohhh? with not really paying attention.

Baby: So you understand right Mum?

Me: Gulp!. I have no idea what he was talking about. Sure Honey.

Baby: If that's true what did I just say?

Me. Crap! busted! Well....it's.. mumbling energy....uhm muttering Power...

Baby: I knew it! I just used reverse Psychology in you and it worked!

Me: Where did this little troll spawn come from? Reverse Psychology? I will show you reverse Psychology you little SH**!

Go wash up from dinner please!

Part 3

Let me set the scene, a nice balmy 80 degree day, sitting by the pool with the kids, waiting for Soulmate to get home from work. Baby is playing in the dirt with some bug or other and Firstborn is sitting with me.

Firstborn: Mum, can I ask you something?

Me: (right about now, I am well aware that I probably do not want to hear this and was wishing I was on a cruise ship with a Mai-Tai in hand and a barren womb)

Sure, what is it sweetie!

Firstborn: Did you ever have premarital sex?

Me: (WTF!!!!!!) Do you even know what that is?

(God, it's hot out here, does 80 degrees really feel like this?)

Firstborn: Course I do, it's when you have sex before you are married

Me. (Now I am not sure if should be proud that she actually knows what this is or wonder how the hell does she know this? I am also hearing all those voices in my head of every damn parenting article that I have ever read. Never lie to your kids, tell them the truth when they ask, it means that they are ready to hear it. Yeah? well I don't remember this specific topic!)

Well, I don't know if you know this but dad and I got married twice. The first time was a causal affair to allow me to get a visa for the US and no one really knows about this but the second time was the big official wedding.

Firstborn: Yeah, I knew that!

Me: Well, most people thought dad and I were living together and having premarital sex but we were really married! (I am a freaking genius!)

Firstborn: Oh.

(So now I am patting myself on my back, what a great story, how smart of me, have another imaginary Mai-Tai)

Firstborn: Would you be mad if I had premarital sex?

Me: (wiping Mai-Tai of my chin and swimsuit)

Hell, yeah!!!........ Look I would hope you would talk to me first and would like to make sure that this is the man you are planning to be with the rest of your life. (Nose is growing here).

You are not thinking about it now are you? (Do I really want to know the answer?)

Firstborn: Oh my gosh no! that's disgusting!!!!!

Thank the lord! Pass me the pitcher and as I am drinking I am rehearsing my response to the future question, did you ever do drugs? Yes, but I didn't inhale seems like a good answer!

Part 2

Baby: Can dark people and white people have children?

Soulemate: Sure, just like any MARRIED couple (just in case Firstborn is within listening distance)

Baby: What color are their children?

Soulmate: Well, it varies they can be dark, light and any other color that you can mix with dark and light (I think at this point he is sweating!)

Baby: What if the baby was born and half of his body was white and the other half of his body was dark?

Soulmate: That's not possible

Baby: Why?

Soulmate: Because your bodies don't work that way (Huh?)

Baby: OK. (silence while you can hear the little cogs turning in his head, like a hamster on steroids)

Baby: I don't think that dark people are really dark, they are just dirty! If they had a good bath I think we would all be the same!

Soulmate: Silence.............

The crazy things kids say...especially mine Part 1.

OK, this is the thing, at least three time a week, my kids astound me with the things that come out of their mouths especially baby. So I am dedicating my next few entries to these nutso random things starting with this one:

Baby: Can we play charades?

Me: Sure, you go first

Baby: Starts air kissing and make kissy sounds.

Me: Baby with his girlfriend?

Baby: No!

Me: Mum and Dad?

Baby; No!

Me: People in love? (huh?!)

Baby: No! Imagine I am in my underwear.

Me: A boy swimming with his girlfriend?

Baby: No! Mummmm, give up?

Me: (Thank God!) Yes, I give up

Baby: S.E.X (he whispers spelling it out). Because that's what S.E.X is, kissing in your
underwear or with no clothes on!

Me: Speechless for once in my life!

(A few hours later soulmate arrives and I hear baby happily ask, Daaaaaddd, do you wanna play charades!)